Dating Application for Fathers

My mum sent this to me a while ago and I found it hysterical. My father has his on file.

Dating Application
You have seen them... the "young men," "love of my life"...your daughters bring home? Well, now it's time to cover yourselves and protect your daughters' well being.
Have fun with it.
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Application to Date My Daughter
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:________________________Nickname/Alias:__________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____Height:______Weight:______I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:________Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
Home Address:__________________________________
City/State/Zip_________________________________
Home Phone#: (___)___________Cell Phone#:_______________Pager#:__________
Do you own a Van?____b. Truck with oversized tires?____c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following:a. earring_____b. nose ring______c. belly button ring_____ or piercings on any other body parts_____Explain:_____________________________________________

In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________________________________________________________________________________In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend_____________________How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________

Fill in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.

a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken is:____________________________________________________

b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is:___________________________________________________

c. Now answer the question you filled in on B (above):______________________________________________________________________________________________________

NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion.
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution and/or hot pokers._______________________________________Signature (This means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.