I Have A Disease

My name is Lydia, and I have a disease (channeling the AA atmosphere here). I suffer from a very rare and incurable disorder. Sadly, this disease is hereditary and gets progressively worse over time. It is with deep regrets that I inform you that I have been diagnosed with…….Chronically Dehabilitating Clumsiness. Yes dear friends, ‘tis truly tragic. For your safety I am placing myself in quarantine to prevent bodily harm to any more individuals and destruction to property. In the past week this illness has manifested on various occasions and produced the following symptoms:

1- falling down the stairs
2- falling UP the stairs
3- dropping a plate and having it shatter into a million pieces
4- spilling water all over the pot roast

5- spilling liquid vitamins on my grandmother's lace tablecloth (this is not as tragic seeing as how said tablecloth was well past retirement)
6- breaking the lid of a teapot
7- almost dropping a carton of eggs
8- falling out of the shower
9- slipping on ice

Your prayers and support are much appreciated. May researchers around the world work for a cure to save future generations from this plague. Should any more incidents ensue, please be advised that I do not have a last will and testament so it will be a free-for-all for whoever wishes to pay off my debts. For this I will be eternally grateful.

So long dear friends and remember me fondly as a svelt, graceful swan . I said SWAN people! Say it with me now: S-W-A-N.