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Reveries and Soliloquies: December 2011

Reveries and Soliloquies

Monday, December 19, 2011

Like A Thief In The Night

We had an attempted burglary of the four-legged kind last night.

Picture It: Sunday December 18, 2011. 7:15pm, Suburbia, British Columbia

I am sitting in the warm and toasty basement reading a book when I hear bloodcurdling screams followed by "LYDIA! GET UP HERE NOW!" Once my heart has descended back down my esophagus, I take the stairs three at time to find two hysterical females standing in pitch darkness.

Me: "What is going on?!"
Mom: "Shhhh!!! Someone just tried to break through the patio door. They were pounding on the glass and shaking it on its hinges."
Me: "What?! Call the police."
Rebekah: "NO! Look through the blinds and see if there is someone there."

Have you been smoking oregano?! What makes you think I want to crack a shutter and stare in to some masked man's eyes? Nevertheless, I tentatively creep towards the window, crack the shutter, and then hit the lights hoping to illuminate said intruder in the spotlight. 

Nothing. Just our backyard and the the forest beyond. Thinking I could get a better look from the third story, I run upstairs and peer in to the backyard while my sister calls dad to tell him what is happening. Mom and I hear some rustling behind the fence but see nothing, until:

Mom: Part of the fence is missing!
Me: A human couldn't do that! It must have been a bear.
Mom: Shaking the door?
Me: Your screaming must have scared him and he charged the fence.

Now, I like shabby chic but this is not what I hand in mind for our backyard:
Downstairs a semi-hysterical Rebekah is still spying out the window holding the cordless phone like a baseball bat. 

Me: I have to go next door and tell the Lee's not to open their door if they hear banging.

Well, the sent Rebekah over the edge from frantic to crazy ranting that I was going to become pre-hibernation dessert or end up with my face on a milk carton. I ran next door in my father's slippers and sweatpants to warn my neighbours while Crazy and Crazier stood on the porch twitching at every sound. Turns out, our neighbours don't speak a stitch of English. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Hi, you have a bear in your backyard that crashed through our fence.
Teenage Girl: My daddy not home. You come back tomorrow.
Me (with appropriate miming actions): No, No. BIG BEAR. In your backyard. Don't open your door.
Teenage Girl: Yes, you talk to my daddy tomorrow at 10:00am.
Me: It is very dangerous.
Teenage Girl: Happy Holidays. You come back tomorrow. (shuts door)

I get back in the house in the knick of time before Mr. I Should Be Hibernating comes lumbering around the corner.  And he is HUGE. He must have tapped the fence with his pinky claw and sent it crashing like dominos. By this point most of the neighbours have been alerted to the bear and are yelling at everyone to get inside.

I call 911 and inform them that a bear is terrorizing or neighbourhood and can they please send Conservation out ASAP. 

Dispatch: Ma'am can you please tell us what the bear is doing now?
Me: Staring at my neighbours through their front window and clawing at their garage.
Dispatch: Ma'am, please keep the bear in your sights. I have alerted Conservation.
Me (in my head): Sure, with my night-vision binoculars and tranquilizer gun.

Anyways, Conservation never showed so now I have been Googling bear intervention methods: